The club's proposal to make ian payne a saint
Letter to the archbishop of Southwark
Kent ME15 0PB
1st June 2017
The Most Reverend Peter Smith
Archbishop of Southwark
150, St. George’s Road
London SE1 6HX
Re:- The Canonisation of Mr. Ian R. Payne
I would like to nominate Mr. Ian Payne of 26, Sandy Mount, Bearsted, Kent for consideration to become a saint.
I have researched the protocol to find out how it is possible to become a saint, namely www.howstuffworks.com and have found there are five stages to the process. To remind you, if reminding is necessary, they are:
Therefore, to ‘get things rolling’ I attach a short résumé of Ian Payne along with some writings. I see that these will need to be sent to the Vatican, so I enclose a SAE for this purpose.
Now, hopefully that will get us through the first three hurdles, but perhaps you have already foreseen it is going to be the last two that may cause us some difficulties.
Namely, Mr. Payne is a 57 year-old, in very good health, and secondly, the act of performing two miracles.
If I may (in remembrance to the late, great Eric Morley) take them in reverse order; “miracles’ is surely a subjective one; one man’s ‘miracle’ is another’s ‘stroke of good fortune’. I like the quote in “Bruce Almighty” (1) where Morgan Freeman – he plays God – says “…parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it’s a magic trick. A single mom who’s working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that’s a miracle. A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that’s a miracle…”, now, if this is the true essence of miracles, I think I can say, our man ‘has it in spades’.
Then, as for the posthumous problem, we can take heart that Pope John Paul II did away with the “five-year rule” (2) so as to get Mother Teresa on the list early, if this trend should continue, a 57 year old in the prime of life must surely be the next step, so I say, let’s get going on this straight away!
Should all go well, we would be happy to host the canonization ceremony here at West Farleigh on the evening of Friday, 29th July 2017. We are also free, the following day (evening only) as the club is on a (sporting) tour of Canterbury, but I can foresee complications with that.
Please contact me at your earliest convenience with any progress you have made.
West Farleigh Sports Club
Maidstone (01622) 720810
Résumé of Ian Payne
Writings (extracts) of Ian Payne –
“Building a Dartford road embankment on jelly” (1993) – classic Ian Payne
“Ground reassurance” (2007)
“…sustainable underground drainage systems (SUDS)…” (2008)
A small donation (£50) for a charity or good cause of your choice.
Stamped, addressed envelopes:
Resume of Mr. Ian Payne
Résumé of Mr. Ian R. Payne (seen here on the left)
26 Sandy Mount
Early years: Supportive younger brother and diligent son
Formative years: Southborough (not RC but we are all one faith in the eyes of our maker) Primary School pupil at Maidstone Grammar School – Prefect
Member of the Kent Youth Orchestra – Double Bass
(Note: At school, (we went to school together) I could only offer the eerie notes from the “Jaws” soundtrack, Ian could find uses for all the strings, but as you can imagine, in Kent, there was not much opposition to Double Bass playing when you are 16, but let’s just say, he made the first team.)
Student at the University of Birmingham – Geology and Mechanical Engineering (hons)
This was the beginning of the life-long love affair with the spade and all things associated with digging.
Relationships: There has been only one relationship that has dominated, the one that eventually resulted in the life-long marriage to Gillian (née Baker). Now, Gillian has many virtuous qualities, but the phrase “to try the patience of a saint” seems most apt in this case.
Offspring: Ian has two beautiful daughters Sophie (28) and Lydia (25)
Career: Ian had been loyal to the one company, which has been known by various names, currently the international firm Jacobs plc. He has been able to hold down several esteemed posts within this company, because, for example, one of his many skills extends to being able to drive along a road, and as it rises and falls, identify the sub-soil structure at 50 mph. (“…upper greensand, gault, lower greensand, Wealden clay, Hastings beds…” is a particular party-piece along the roller-coaster road that is Seven Mile Lane, Borough Green).
Latterly, Ian has taken his talents to Network Rail, where he is literally “shoring up the tracks”.
Relaxation: The other major part of Ian’s life is his relationship with West Farleigh Sports Club. When I first introduced him as the school’s goalkeeper, he won the players’ player of the year award as a rookie, then repeated the feat as a rookie midfield talisman (this galls many of his teammates somewhat, even to this day). It is unheard of for a goalkeeper to say “I think I can’t offer something more on the pitch”, and turns out to be true.
After 41 years as a player, Ian has finally ‘hung up his boots’ from the Veteran’s section, and stepped down from his role as the Club Secretary.
During his tenure, Ian had been; instrumental in the twinning of the villages of West Farleigh and of Ringstedt in northern Germany (the liaison between the two villages is now in its 30th year and has resulted in scores and scores of exchange and goodwill visits over the decades),
and in 2009 Ian, almost single-handedly, took it upon himself to find the support required to finance a state-of-the-art changing facility for the footballers, in a climate (post 2008) that could not have been more difficult – but he did.
Ian was (not now) a devotee of Rolf Harris, but unless the Pope asks, I feel we should keep this part of his private life, private.